In Extremis

I am finding it harder to keep myself within my line of vision
I stumble over random thoughts left carelessly in my path
And feel my brain growing misty with torpid suspension
A player beneath the grand stage
Seeing acts pass centuries inside my heart

It becomes time immemorial, a dance without rhythm,
And I have no concept at all,
Of where I stand
I could call myself a lost soul, if it weren’t for my
Having stayed right where I was all along
Scratches on my face could be niches in time
What is it that wants to be forgotten?
Shut out my dreams keep them from remembering
Whatever it was that cried to be resurrected

Close, so close to perfection
I can’t remember why I opened my wrists
It’s all dull in here, save
For a virulence in the blood that clamored until
A song could be heard trembling in my veins
I bled from my eyes and opened my arms,
Made crimson arcs in the air
Blasphemy to the heavens, such sacrilege is acquiesced
Where one is as far-gone from themselves as I.

I can’t help myself, bleeding is the only defense I’ve got
It might make you look away
Turn your head
And then I’d be safe
I could cut out the shriek from the throat of the maiden
Even where she my pallid reflection in a pitiless mirror

But I do not seek pity
I’ve felt insensitivity slide a cruel grasp around my air
And choke out whatever beautiful little cadence lingered there
It was born only to die
It was better yet, stillborn
Never seeing the light of day is far better off
Than to gasp in a squeeze, pulse weakening
Throbbing like a dying ember
And, finally,

Tell me it cannot be true
I could never have sleepwalked this far into my life
Numb, so numb even a heartburst means nothing
I’m so tired of feeling
I can’t believe I wouldn’t have recognized the first step off the fall
Please, don’t leave my body a sepulcher
It’s not right that it should be surrendered
Like a shroud for catalepsy
Don’t leave me in here
I’m still alive…

I always do this to myself
I know you stopped listening a long time ago
You ceased to watch me walk away
And instead, made certain I was ever at a distance
The breadth of rejection is longer than eternity

I will never blame you
I would still bleed for you in a heartbeat
Even my last
Thought I am young and dead like a rosebud in the frost
Something like my whispered breath might be
A wispy echo in your memory
Shadows behind your eyes
I am only sorry to have left
Nightmares where my footsteps fell

And withered flowers, and broken mirrors
And teardrops on your pillow
The stains that will never fade away
Like those upon my hands,
They will last until the end of time

My bones are light as air
My heart is full of wind
I am not all here
Merely because I never was
I suspected as much
I become what I have believed
There is nothing left to say, nothing to do
Nothing and no one to save
Least of all myself
Who could have shown you what mercy way, after it was denied
I should have been a scar across your consciousness

Yet when I am gone, where will exist only
For you

~Joanne S